It’s beginning to look a lot like that fucking Menard’s jingle

I heard that fucking Menard’s Christmas jingle today on the radio. There’s much to dread about the holidays, but this insidious little bit of concentrated evil sneaks up on me every year. You know the one that goes something like:

Christmas time is here
with [something] and good cheer
[something something] good tidings to you
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
[blah blah blah]
Warm Season’s Greetings to you all from Menard’s

I manage to drive it from my head by the middle of January each year, but every November there it is again, lurking in the spaces between songs on classic-rock radio, ready to pounce and drag its fingernails across my brain. The “Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas” part is particularly sinister. It makes me want to beat those singers silly with a sock full of quarters just as soon as I’m done clawing my fucking eyes out.

Now as a shitty musician myself, I have the utmost respect for jingle-writers. These are people who have actually found a way to make a living writing songs that doesn’t involve prancing around like a fairy on MTV or getting reamed by a record company. So hats off to the majority of jingle-writers out there.

But the fuckers who wrote this god-forsaken Menard’s Christmas thing, well, I hope there’s a level of hell devoted entirely to them. I’m pretty sure there’s a level that plays their unholy jingle nonstop.