Da Pope

OK, so it seems like Pope John Paul II has spent the last few months knocking loudly at Death’s door. Now while I wish no ill will on anyone (with the exception of Paris Hilton, who should be fed to starving dogs) I do think it’s time for a new pope. I don’t care because I’m Catholic, I’m about as fucking far from Catholic as you can get, but I care because the Catholic Church is probably the single most powerful organization in operation today. Maybe we can get somebody in there who will drag the church out of the 12th century and into at least the 18th or 19th.

You know, somebody who will say, “Hey, you know what? Maybe if priests could marry they wouldn’t be molesting altar boys all the time.” Or maybe a pope who would say “Contaception, contrashmeption, you kids have your fun,” though that would apparently be a Jewish pope, and I don’t really see that happening.

Of course nothing will ever change. Priests will never be allowed to marry and every sperm will always be sacred. What good is a religion that doesn’t meddle in the sex lives of all involved?

So you know what we should have? A Sicilian pope. A Sicilian pope with connections. Pope Don Paul Gambino. Hell, the power structure of the church is already similar to the power structure of the mob. What is the pope if not the boss of all bosses? The congregations pay tribute to the priests, who pay tribute to the bishops, all the way up to the Vatican. And if the next priest who probed an altar boy turned up in the rectory with two bullets in the back of his head, maybe it would send a clear message to any other priests who were fighting that particular temptation. Bullets in the brain are messy, but you can’t strangle a priest with piano wire. The collar gets in the way.

Of course if the next pope is named Pope George Ringo, far as I’m concerned he can do whatever he wants, because that would just be cool.

Butt. Crack. Lint.

A friend and colleague of mine has a new blog. Sadly, he’s claiming that I somehow played a part in inspiring him to start this blogging nonsense. Exactly how I could inspire anyone to do anything other than leave my site is beyond me. Anyway, check out his stuff, for which he has an awesome domain name: www.buttcracklint.com.

I Totally Have ADD

So, I was sleeping on the couch this afternoon, as I’m prone to do after working all hours of the night. The Jane Pauley Show was on the TV, and I groggily awoke to them discussing Adult ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).

Now, I always figured ADD was one of those bullshit new conditions they make up so people don’t have to take responsibility for their actions or inactions as the case may be. But the things they were describing sounded very familiar: A lack of interest in things not mentally challenging, the tendency to not finish what you start, a general disorganized life, etc.

So I said to myself, “Self, you oughtta look this shit up.” I then went back to sleep until three toddlers started simultaneously jumping on me.

So later and more or less fully awake, I looked up this checklist. I started to answer the questions but lost interest about halfway through.

OK, that was a bad joke. With much effort and concentration, I was able to eventually finish it.

Anyway, supposedly if you answer more than 20 of the 77 questions with “frequently” or “very frequently”, chances are good you have ADD. I answered “very frequently” to 26 of them, and “frequently” to 9 more. I’d say my ADD potential is high.

What’s more, there were three key questions which were supposed to be more heavily weighted. They were:

History of ADD symptoms in childhood, such as distractibility, short attention span, impulsivity or restlessness.

Shit, all through school my mind used to wander. Teachers would have to call my name 3 times to snap me back to reality. So I guess that’s “very frequently”.

Short attention span, unless very interested in something

Well, yeah, but I tend to only do things that interest me, so it’s not that big an issue. I called it “frequently”.

Easily distracted, tendency to drift away (although at times can be hyperfocused)

Oh hell yeah. If I had a nickel for every time the wife said “are you even paying attention to me?” I’d have $97.45. And I get amazingly hyperfocused sometimes when I’m writing code, playing music or playing video games.

Other questions I scored “very frequently” were about being unable to go to sleep due to too many thoughts, unable to wake up, fidgeting, not living up to potential in school, easily bored, bad financial management, impulsive job changes (I once quit a job because my future wife brought home a kitten and I didn’t want her to get more kitten time than me, but it was a shitty job anyway), trouble with authority, immaturity, and low self-esteem. And that’s really just the tip of the iceberg.

So hey, I’ve probably got ADD! How cool is that?

But truth-be-told I still think it’s a bullshit condition, really. Seems to me it’s an affliction of smart people who refuse to waste time on the mundane, even if the mundane is what earns you money. When you take a person who likes to be intellectually challenged, mix with stubbornness and good old-fashioned irresponsibility, what have you got? ADD!

But I’m still going to get diagnosed, because what better excuse for shirking my responsibilities. “Yeah, I know I haven’t worked on that website in days, but it’s not my fault! I have ADD!” “Yes honey, I was going to change that diaper, but I saw something shiny and got distracted. I do have ADD after all…” “Yes, I know I’m late turning in my invoices. Need I remind you that I have fucking ADD??!!”

I can hear them getting sick of me already.

Nude Celebrities

I heard on the news today that Christie’s in London just sold an oil painting of Kate Moss nude and pregnant for an ungodly sum of money. Thing is, I don’t really give a fuck, I’ve never seen what the big deal is about her. Is it just me or is she really kind of not pretty? I mean I see prettier women every day just walking down the street. I really don’t get it. Maybe I’m out of touch with the average American male or something. Maybe they like their women bony and malnourished with no hips, small boobs and sunken facial features. Not me though. Call me crazy, but I like women to look, you know, like women.

So if I don’t give a fuck about Kate Moss, why am I writing this? Just to get cheap hits from people searching for “Nude Celebrities”? Well, OK, that’s part of it, but the main reason is the news coverage. They only showed a close-up of the face part of the painting and went on to say “we can’t show you the whole painting…because she’s naked!!” Well, I added the pause and excitement, but you get my point.

Oh yeah, that reminds me: The point.

How fucking uptight are we that we can’t see a nude oil painting on TV? It’s fucking art. It’s not like the thing was photorealistic or anything, and it’s not like it was in any way erotic. It’s a bony naked pregnant chick, fuzzily rendered in oil on canvas. God forbid America should be exposed to such debauchery. You know, I expected the new millenium to be cool. I’d given up on it being all flying cars and rayguns by the mid 90’s, but I never expected all this “new morality” bullshit.

Interestingly, the painting was painted by the great grandson of Sigmund Freud. I think he set out to paint a portrait of his mother but ended up with Kate Moss naked and pregnant.

In other nude celebrity news, apparently Debbie, excuse me, Deborah Gibson is posing in Playboy. Remember her? She had some MTV hits as a 17-year-old pop princess back in the thoroughly horrendous 80’s. She was the thinking-man’s Tiffany. Years later she changed her name to Deborah for an unsuccessful comeback.

Now she’s 34 and you can see her naked in Playboy. Well you know, she was pretty cute back in the day, but I’d say she’s about 14 years too late to be posing nude. I hate to be blunt, but nobody reads playboy to see naked 34-year-olds. Also, the last thing a guy wants to be reminded of while he’s spanking it is time’s ability to steal youth and innocence. Those pictures would say to me, “Remember when you thought Debbie Gibson was hot? That was 17 years ago you ancient fuck!”

Had she been in Playboy at 18 or 20, shit yeah, I’d be all over it. But you know, I’m 34 for fuck’s sake. My wife’s 27 and I can see her naked whenever I want.

But the pathetic part is, it’s all just a desperate attempt at another comeback. It’s timed to release with her new single which is called (wait for it…) Naked. What we have here is a former teen pop superstar (well, maybe not superstar…) grasping for relevance as an adult. And you know what? It ain’t gonna happen. Oh sure, people will look at the pictures, but it will be more out of curiosity than anything. “Oh look, there’s Debbie Gibson’s ass. Wow, she got old. ”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against 34 year old women, and I do not think that 34 years old is ancient. But you see, there’s fantasy and reality. In reality, I don’t want an 18 year old woman. They’re royal pains in the ass and listen to shitty music. But they’re nice to look at as long as you don’t have to, you know, talk to them or spend any time with them. When it comes to fantasy, which obviously is the domain of Playboy, you want young and mindless. And sorry Debbie, but that ain’t you anymore.

Now can we please get Britney Spears in there while she’s still young and hot?