Nude Celebrities

I heard on the news today that Christie’s in London just sold an oil painting of Kate Moss nude and pregnant for an ungodly sum of money. Thing is, I don’t really give a fuck, I’ve never seen what the big deal is about her. Is it just me or is she really kind of not pretty? I mean I see prettier women every day just walking down the street. I really don’t get it. Maybe I’m out of touch with the average American male or something. Maybe they like their women bony and malnourished with no hips, small boobs and sunken facial features. Not me though. Call me crazy, but I like women to look, you know, like women.

So if I don’t give a fuck about Kate Moss, why am I writing this? Just to get cheap hits from people searching for “Nude Celebrities”? Well, OK, that’s part of it, but the main reason is the news coverage. They only showed a close-up of the face part of the painting and went on to say “we can’t show you the whole painting…because she’s naked!!” Well, I added the pause and excitement, but you get my point.

Oh yeah, that reminds me: The point.

How fucking uptight are we that we can’t see a nude oil painting on TV? It’s fucking art. It’s not like the thing was photorealistic or anything, and it’s not like it was in any way erotic. It’s a bony naked pregnant chick, fuzzily rendered in oil on canvas. God forbid America should be exposed to such debauchery. You know, I expected the new millenium to be cool. I’d given up on it being all flying cars and rayguns by the mid 90’s, but I never expected all this “new morality” bullshit.

Interestingly, the painting was painted by the great grandson of Sigmund Freud. I think he set out to paint a portrait of his mother but ended up with Kate Moss naked and pregnant.

In other nude celebrity news, apparently Debbie, excuse me, Deborah Gibson is posing in Playboy. Remember her? She had some MTV hits as a 17-year-old pop princess back in the thoroughly horrendous 80’s. She was the thinking-man’s Tiffany. Years later she changed her name to Deborah for an unsuccessful comeback.

Now she’s 34 and you can see her naked in Playboy. Well you know, she was pretty cute back in the day, but I’d say she’s about 14 years too late to be posing nude. I hate to be blunt, but nobody reads playboy to see naked 34-year-olds. Also, the last thing a guy wants to be reminded of while he’s spanking it is time’s ability to steal youth and innocence. Those pictures would say to me, “Remember when you thought Debbie Gibson was hot? That was 17 years ago you ancient fuck!”

Had she been in Playboy at 18 or 20, shit yeah, I’d be all over it. But you know, I’m 34 for fuck’s sake. My wife’s 27 and I can see her naked whenever I want.

But the pathetic part is, it’s all just a desperate attempt at another comeback. It’s timed to release with her new single which is called (wait for it…) Naked. What we have here is a former teen pop superstar (well, maybe not superstar…) grasping for relevance as an adult. And you know what? It ain’t gonna happen. Oh sure, people will look at the pictures, but it will be more out of curiosity than anything. “Oh look, there’s Debbie Gibson’s ass. Wow, she got old. ”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against 34 year old women, and I do not think that 34 years old is ancient. But you see, there’s fantasy and reality. In reality, I don’t want an 18 year old woman. They’re royal pains in the ass and listen to shitty music. But they’re nice to look at as long as you don’t have to, you know, talk to them or spend any time with them. When it comes to fantasy, which obviously is the domain of Playboy, you want young and mindless. And sorry Debbie, but that ain’t you anymore.

Now can we please get Britney Spears in there while she’s still young and hot?