I Totally Have ADD

So, I was sleeping on the couch this afternoon, as I’m prone to do after working all hours of the night. The Jane Pauley Show was on the TV, and I groggily awoke to them discussing Adult ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).

Now, I always figured ADD was one of those bullshit new conditions they make up so people don’t have to take responsibility for their actions or inactions as the case may be. But the things they were describing sounded very familiar: A lack of interest in things not mentally challenging, the tendency to not finish what you start, a general disorganized life, etc.

So I said to myself, “Self, you oughtta look this shit up.” I then went back to sleep until three toddlers started simultaneously jumping on me.

So later and more or less fully awake, I looked up this checklist. I started to answer the questions but lost interest about halfway through.

OK, that was a bad joke. With much effort and concentration, I was able to eventually finish it.

Anyway, supposedly if you answer more than 20 of the 77 questions with “frequently” or “very frequently”, chances are good you have ADD. I answered “very frequently” to 26 of them, and “frequently” to 9 more. I’d say my ADD potential is high.

What’s more, there were three key questions which were supposed to be more heavily weighted. They were:

History of ADD symptoms in childhood, such as distractibility, short attention span, impulsivity or restlessness.

Shit, all through school my mind used to wander. Teachers would have to call my name 3 times to snap me back to reality. So I guess that’s “very frequently”.

Short attention span, unless very interested in something

Well, yeah, but I tend to only do things that interest me, so it’s not that big an issue. I called it “frequently”.

Easily distracted, tendency to drift away (although at times can be hyperfocused)

Oh hell yeah. If I had a nickel for every time the wife said “are you even paying attention to me?” I’d have $97.45. And I get amazingly hyperfocused sometimes when I’m writing code, playing music or playing video games.

Other questions I scored “very frequently” were about being unable to go to sleep due to too many thoughts, unable to wake up, fidgeting, not living up to potential in school, easily bored, bad financial management, impulsive job changes (I once quit a job because my future wife brought home a kitten and I didn’t want her to get more kitten time than me, but it was a shitty job anyway), trouble with authority, immaturity, and low self-esteem. And that’s really just the tip of the iceberg.

So hey, I’ve probably got ADD! How cool is that?

But truth-be-told I still think it’s a bullshit condition, really. Seems to me it’s an affliction of smart people who refuse to waste time on the mundane, even if the mundane is what earns you money. When you take a person who likes to be intellectually challenged, mix with stubbornness and good old-fashioned irresponsibility, what have you got? ADD!

But I’m still going to get diagnosed, because what better excuse for shirking my responsibilities. “Yeah, I know I haven’t worked on that website in days, but it’s not my fault! I have ADD!” “Yes honey, I was going to change that diaper, but I saw something shiny and got distracted. I do have ADD after all…” “Yes, I know I’m late turning in my invoices. Need I remind you that I have fucking ADD??!!”

I can hear them getting sick of me already.