Dr. Bill and Cracker

Cracker played two shows in the area last weekend, one at the Cubby Bear across the street from Wrigley Field on Friday night, then again Saturday night at the Palatine Street Fest, or as my old friend Dr. Bill calls it, the Palpatine Street Fest.

Now when I say Dr. Bill is an old friend, I’ve seriously known this guy forever. I’ve known him longer than I haven’t, since we were both 10 years old or so. We haven’t seen much of each other for about the last 15 years. We were both busy raising families, geographically separated by between 500 and 1500 miles, and one of us spent about 12 years preoccupied with medical school, which I guess is kinda grueling or something. Dr. Bill is a smart motherfucker though. He knew he wanted to be a doctor since he was a kid, and he made it happen. I’m a pretty smart motherfucker too, but I lack the drive Bill always had. Anyway, from the sounds of it, the kid’s become a pretty damn good doctor.

So anyway, I hadn’t seen the guy for at least a decade, but we’d always kept in touch over the intertron. He was always prone to singing the praises of this little band Cracker, who I’d known of but not really known the music of, except for their one big hit, Low back in the early 90’s. But Bill is a Crackerhead extraordinaire, a fan since back when they had no hits, and in fact since they were Camper Van Beethoven. Well, some of them still are Camper Van Beethoven, but that’s another story (and technically another band, even if the lineups are often remarkably similar).

So though he lives in Iowa, when Cracker’s playing two nights in a row in the Chicago area, Bill’s fucking gonna be there. And since I’m his main dude in Chicagoland, I get to tag along. When he got here, it was as if no time had passed since we’d last hung out.

So a few weeks back, I figure if I’m going to see this band I know very little of, I’d better familiarize myself with the music, at least so I don’t seem like a total fuckwad at the shows. I get copies of most of their albums (yes, I still call them albums, and fuck you), and you know what? It’s some pretty good shit. Especially the first two albums. That little fucker Dr. Bill was right. I even found myself downloading bootlegs of recent shows. Some of their music reminds me a lot of the Stones, or at least the really good Stones tracks that don’t get played on the radio. Good old rock and roll with the occasional country track done better than any country artist could.

Well, Friday night rolls around, and I’ve been listening to a lot of Cracker, so I’m psyched. After some confusion over when the doors actually opened (that is, we were lied to) we eventually get in, and get right up front, literally leaning on the stage. The opening act was a local bunch called Burn Rome Burn, and were pretty good. Their drummer was actually fucking incredible, and I found myself drooling over his 7-piece Yamaha rig decked out with about 8 high-end Zildjians. Either he’s got a good day job or opening for Cracker pays really fucking well, because he was sitting behind probably about 10 grand worth of drum shit. The other cool thing was that they gave away CD’s. Didn’t try to sell them, just said “here, take some and pass ‘em out”. Pretty smart move actually.

Eventually Cracker made it to the stage. The place was packed shoulder to shoulder by this point, and the band seriously brought their shit. They played most of my favorites and just beat the fuck out of them. Some of the die-hard fans that were there (pretty much everyone but me) said it was one of the best shows ever, and though I have no basis for comparison, it’s hard to imagine them doing better.

It was very hot in there though. Even the band had sweat literally dripping off of them, and well, they’re not an enormous fat guy squished in a room with at least 300 other sweaty fucks. I’d been drinking beer all day, and there was no way I could worm my way out to get some kind of refreshment, so I just sweat it out. I worried a little about heat stroke or something, but it’s reassuring to know the guy standing next to you could save your life if he needed to. Shit, Dr. Bill could probably remove my appendix with nothing but a pocket knife, a quart of gin, and a rubber band.

At the end of the show, they played an extended version of a song called “I Ride My Bike”. It was so extended that it had the Pink Floyd classic “Interstellar Overdrive” in the middle. Now, I’m a huge (yes, really huge) fan of Syd Barrett era Pink Floyd, so I was going apeshit. Well, when I realized that was really what they were playing anyway. It was the last thing I expected, and they kind’ve eased into it, so at first I was saying “hmmm, this sounds kinda like Interstellar Overdrive…” Soon it was unmistakable, and they even nailed all the freaky harmonic feedbacky stuff in the middle.

The next day we made the long drive up to Palpatine, drank even more beer, and saw Cracker perform another awesome set. The band hung around after the show signing autographs and chatting. I mostly hung back and let the real fans have at ‘em, but I did shake David Lowery’s hand and told him he ruled and how much I dug Interstellar Overdrive the night before. He gave me a half-hearted “Thanks, man”. I probably should’ve told him how much I liked one of his songs, not one of Syd’s. Oh well. Bill got his ticket stub from the night before signed by the entire band and bought a copy of Gentleman’s Blues on vinyl, and got that signed too.

Also, I met some really cool people at both shows. Cracker fans are some really friendly folks, it seems. So hat’s off to all of you. I’ll probably run into you all again the next time Cracker comes through Chitown.

As we wandered back to the car, still somewhat drunk, Bill said to me, “You know, it’s good to engage in adolescent behavior with someone you were an adolescent with.” True words of wisdom.

FatDave Answers the Questions That Snopes Can’t

Snopes lists these questions as “unanswerable“. Well, I can answer them just fine.

Has anyone had to cut off their tongue because it frozen to a flagpole?

Of course, but it’s hard to come by exact numbers because people who have had to cut their tongues off rarely talk about it.

DRIED PIDGEON MANURE IF IT MAKES CONTACT WITH YOUR EYE, WILL CAUSE YOU TO GO BLIND?

If pigeon shit is dried in a configuration where it has a sharp point, and this is jammed into the eye, then yes, you will go blind in that eye. Likewise, dried pigeon shit fired from some sort of dried pigeon shit gun can also cause blindness if it strikes the eye. However, as any good catholic will tell you, the quickest route to blindness remains masturbation.

Does urinating on a lemon tree make it grow quicker/better?

No, but lemon juice applied twice daily will make your penis grow thicker/longer and also give it that fresh lemon scent the ladies can’t resist.

I just read a blurb that pre-packaged foods can cause people to turn gay because of too much estrogen. If I was only allowed one question for snopes, I would ask if this is true. Is it?

Of course it can! Prepackaged chips and cereal are the worst. The FDA has advised that Wheaties, despite all their athletic jocko posturing, can turn a red-blooded American straight boy into a cock-craving queen after about 3 months of daily consumption. To avoid food-related homosexuality, you should only eat foods you kill yourself. Also, as a general rule, to avoid homosexuality you should try to avoid sex with people of your own gender.

If someone was too eat a huge clump of wasabi paste..Could they choke to death from being unable to breath?

No, but they would likely choke to death on their own puke. It’s a little known fact that Jimi Hendrix ate a huge clump of wasabi paste on the night he died.

Also, “breath” is a noun, fuckwad.

People who get bite by a spider then get large bump on their body. The bump then erupps into hundereds of baby spiders. Can that realy happen?

With enough crystal meth, anything is possible.

A friend of mine asked me if I’ve ever hear of invisible witches or ghosts that suck the blood out of a person’s arm while they are sleeping. Apparently, she saw “marks” on her boyfriend’s arm and this was the story that he told her.

While the full list of invisible ghosts and witches that accost you while you sleep is far too long to list here, I can assure you that there is a variety that sucks the blood from tiny pinhole-like holes in your arm. These same ghosts will make you fail a drug test and can sometimes spread the HIV virus.

I heard that bananas have a natural chemical that makes you happy. Is it also true that cockroaches can survive an atomic blast?

You’re confusing bananas and valium, but don’t worry, it’s a very common mistake. Cockroaches can survive an atomic blast, but they often become giant rampaging mutated cockroaches that leave a trail of death and destruction through downtown Tokyo.

I’m 19 and from Yuma, Az and I would like to know if this myth I’v been hearing is true? By masturbating it helps the chance by not getting cancer? Is that true?..also I’v hurd other myths about masturbation and don’t know if those myths are true or not. But I would like to know about the question I asked befoe.

On the contrary, masturbation will actually cause cancer, along with blindness, hair on the palms, insanity, and acid reflux. The only positive benefit of mastubation is increased muscle mass in the forearm.

IS IT TRUE PEARLS BRING SADNESS

In some circumstances, yes. If your wife is wearing a string of pearls and they get caught in a piece of industrial machinery which then pulls her in and tears her into tiny little wife shreds, then yes, pearls do bring sadness. Unless of course you never really liked her.

Is it true that a girl cannot get pregnant if her mate smokes the seeds of marijuana when he smokes marijuana, please tell me if this is true because a lot of people tell me it is true and a lot of people tell me it’s not and I don’t know whaether to believe it or not because this town lies a lot. thanks.

Come on, who are you gonna trust? Your parents, teachers, and medical professionals or your pothead friends?

Can cocoa butter get rid of stretch marks?

Yes, if applied with 80-grit on an air-powered orbital sander.

is it true that if you take already been chewed gum and put it in an orange peel and put it in the refigrator for 4-6 weeks and then eat it will it be acid?

Yes it will. Unfortunately it will be H₂SO₄ as opposed to the C₂₀H₂₅N₃O you’re probably looking for.

can you tell me how i would analyze the effect each statistic has on the world.

Well, the problem with statistically analyzing the effect of statistics is that in doing so, one creates even more statistics which then exponentially alter the outcome of your original analyses. Think about that the next time you’re really high.

Have you heard anything about a palm rub done when someone is shaking or holding hands that indicates they want to have sex with you? It sounds like some kind of secret sex handshake - and I’ve heard nothing about it till today.

Yes, it involves rubbing the other person’s palm with your genitals, and it sends a very clear message of your desire to have sex with them. Of course, it’s of utmost importance that you not try any secret handshakes without adequate practice, lest you suddenly find yourself in the company of the Illuminati.

how much would a penguin egg cost to buy and ship to texas email me as soon as you get the answer to this question bcuz i would like to buy a penguin egg so please email me asap!!!

You’re in luck. I will ship you one penguin egg* if you send $150 (plus $4.95 shipping & handling) to penguineggs@bileduct.com via paypal.

Is the government really as controlling and secretive as books make them out to be? Are there really tons and tons of secret spies all over the world?

If I told you, I’d have to kill your dog.

I would like to know what does work and what does not work for getting rid of ‘hickeys.’ Such as the cold spoon trick, toothpaste trick, etc.

Clinical trials have shown that the best results are achieved with the molten lead trick.

Is it true that you are more likely to die from a champagne cork than a poisonous spider?

Well, this depends entirely on your frequency of exposure to each. For example, if you work in the quality control department of a large champagne bottler, and your job is to open every hundredth bottle off the line, then your chances of being killed by a champagne cork are considerably higher. Conversely, if your job involves being bitten by poisonous spiders, you should have a long talk with your old high-school guidance counselor.

Of course, it is a well known fact that a poisonous spider riding on a flying champagne cork spells instant death for anyone in its trajectory.

How long are the intestines?

26.5 inches.

Is Bounce (fabric softener sheet) unsafe to use? Is it on the EPA’s hazzardous waste list?

First of all, the EPA’s hazardous waste list should be used as a rough guideline at best. For example, nuclear waste, hydrosulfuric acid, and wasabi paste are not on the list at all.

As far as Bounce fabric softener goes, except for the rare cases where it explodes in the dryer, it is safe to use as directed. It is unsafe, however, to use as a tampon.

if anyone understands what im saying please e-mail me at this e-mail adress. does anyone here bilieve that there are aliens in other planets? who really made us is there really a god? im not saying there isnt but who made god? seriously please answer back at me

I’m not sure about in other planets, but it is statistically likely that there are aliens on other planets. They are almost assuredly three-to-four feet tall with leathery grey hairless skin, big bulbous black shiny eyes, and an unhealhty obsession with human asses. Personally, I hope we make contact with an alien race soon, because it will make the Miss Universe Pageant more interesting.

And no, there is no God.

I’ve heard that it is impossible to take a lightbulb out of your mouth once one puts it in, without either breaking the bulb or dislocating the jaw. Do you know if this is true? I’m counting on you - my husband is really curious, and I don’t want to have to drive him to the hospital…

Of course you can get a lightbulb out of your mouth. Especially a small appliance bulb, or flashlight bulb. Duh!

They say that if a person has a pet cat and dies, if the person’s body is not found fairly soon after death, the cat, having not been fed, will become ravenously hungry and eat the dead person’s face off - JUST the face!

Is this true? My cat often looks me in the face. I used to think he was just being friendly. Now I know he’s just sizing me up, like a chef at a butcher shop, waiting for “the big day”. Since hearing this rumor, every time my cat licks his chops it gives me the willies!

Well, just take comfort in the idea that the cat will wait until you’re dead to eat your face. Unfortunately, the cat may eat your balls at a moment’s notice.

* In the event of a penguin egg shortage, one super-ball will be sent in substitution.

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

So I’ve been seeing commercials for the new Deuce Bigalow movie a lot lately. Every time I see one, it raises two questions:

1. Who the fuck green-lighted this and why? Was there pent up demand? Were there a lot of people out there saying, “You know, I wish they’d make a sequel to that shitty movie from six years ago“?
2. In a universe governed by the laws of physics, would it actually be possible to make a movie worse than the original Deuce Bigalow? It seems like to do so would require the discovery of a unified theory of suck, but judging from the commercials, that discovery has been made.

So anyway, I’m watching TV with my five-year-old son the other day, and a commercial for it comes on. Toward the end is a scene of a cat biting Eddie Griffin on the penis. My son burst into violent laughter and loudly proclaimed “A cat bit him on the penis!” It seemed like it may have been the funniest thing he’d ever seen. It was at this point that I realized maybe I’m just not this movie’s target audience.

And possibly worst of all, I know that six months from now I’ll be in line at Best Buy, and the dumbfuck in front of me will be buying a copy on DVD.