I Absolutely Hate That New Dockers Commercial

I have nothing against Dockers themselves mind you. I have a few pairs myself for when I’m unlucky enough to have a job that requires business casual or when I’m looking for a job that doesn’t. Right now I get to wear jeans to work, which is good, because I’ve surely gotten too god-damn fat to fit into my Dockers.

So, if you wear dockers to work, I have nothing against you. I have been you, and chances are I will be you again.

But here’s the thing. This commercial features some yuppie fuck, quickly cutting to all the moments of his life where he gets to gleefully wear his Dockers. Fast-paced scenes of a typical life I definitely don’t want superimposed with the words “work”, “weekend”, “dress” and “golf”, each inside a neat little box. I’ll tackle them one by one.

Work

OK, I’ve covered work. Dockers are OK for work, if you have to.

Dress

You know what? If you can’t wear jeans, a t-shirt and a flannel there, it’s nowhere I want to be. The only time I’ll dress up is for funerals, weddings and job interviews, and in those cases Dockers ain’t cuttin’ it. Maybe sometimes for the interview, but far as I’m concerned that falls under “work”.

Weekend

You know what? If you wear slacks on your days off, I fucking hate you. I don’t care if you donate all your money to charity and adopt crack-babies in your spare time, I would still relish the opportunity to jam a salad fork straight into your eye. The only reason somebody would wear slacks on their days off is because they think it makes them look important, classy, or rich, and you know what? If you were any of those things, you wouldn’t fucking be trying to look it.

Now if you’re applying for a loan on your day off, I’ll give you a pass. Technically, I wouldn’t consider that a day off. And a normal person would get home from the bank and immediately take the fuckers off anyway.

If I ever choose to wear slacks on a day that I don’t have to work, please remind me, “Dave, this is when you said it’d be time to kill yourself”.

Golf

Now, I really wish I could say I don’t hate everybody who plays golf, but the trouble is I’ve yet to meet a golfer I didn’t fucking hate. Sure, I’ve probably met some closet golfers and not known it, and that’s fine. I have nothing against the game itself, and though the concept doesn’t do much for me I can see why some people might enjoy it. If you’re playing golf just because you tried it once and liked it, you’re probably not the typical cocksucker golfer that has to let everybody know he plays golf (and needs special pants for it). You know who I’m talking about. The asshole that fills his office (they almost always have an office, go figure…) with all kinds of golf shit. A cup of tees here, a statue of some cartoon character teeing off there. Their pock-marked balls next to their keyboard. What the fuck’s with that? You don’t see softball players filling their workspace with softball shit. Why do you have to advertise your love for golf to anyone who comes within 10 square meters of you? I’ll tell you why: It’s because you think it makes you look important/classy/rich, you pompous fucking knob.

Now, Tiger Woods seems like a completely decent guy, but I’ve never met him, so my statement (”never met a golfer I didn’t hate”) still stands. Also, I should point out that Hot-Shots Golf doesn’t count. Hell, I’ll even give you the Tiger Woods games, though I can’t see how it’d be much fun without cartoony hydrocephalic Japanese characters.

So now some of you are thinking, “Well gee Dave, if your so god-damn opinionated about slacks, what would you have for a commercial?” Funny you should ask.

“Dockers: Because your job won’t let you wear jeans.”

There you go. That’s all you need. Your customers will understand, sympathize, and give you points for being honest and knowing your niche. The last thing you should do is try to invent some fucking imaginary lifestyle that nobody wants.