Dane Cook? Seriously?

So I know that Human Giant is getting too popular to be cool now, but hey, I’m too old to be cool anymore anyway. So I was reading this old Rob Huebel post, and saw this in the comments:

Sandy says:

It’s about time! I am a fan of the original Saturday Night Live (I’m 44) and haven’t been able to find anything this funny in a long time (with the exception of Dane Cook). I will be a loyal fan. Thanks guys!

05/19/07 3:22 pm

The thing that I find odd is not just this one person comparing Dane Cook to the original SNL cast, horrific as that may be, but that Dane Cook has a big following. The guy seems to have a lot of dedicated fans who go on and on about how awesomely funny he is. They say he’s the most original comedian working today, and that he’s a genius. But here’s the thing: He totally isn’t. He’s a talentless hack, and the only times he ever actually said anything funny was when he was doing material he’d stolen from other comedians, and even then he didn’t do it as well. And as if his material being unfunny wasn’t bad enough, it’s also completely fucking generic, safe, risk-free relationship bullshit.

But why the big following then? I have a couple theories.

Theory #1 - Imminent Death Syndrome

The enlightened among you will surely know that Imminent Death Syndrome is:

A rare disease where those affected are on the brink of death, every day of their lives. People can live with this condition for over 60 years. Peers and close friends of the diseased will go to great lengths to make sure the person is happy in his/her “last moments” by making them famous or giving great attention to their non-existent talents. Famous celebrities that suffer from IDS include Juliette Lewis, Leroy Nieman, Jerry Lewis, Anne Rice, Clarence Thomas, Stephen Hawking, Quentin Tarantino (the actor, not the director), Hootie and 2 of the Blowfish, the man who draws Ziggy, the man who draws Family Circus, many famous cartoonists, and possibly Jeff Foxworthy.

Theory #2 - His Fans are Ignorant of What Comedy Really Is

Everyone agrees that Dane Cook appeals to a young demographic. Those kids today. They’ve probably never heard a Steve Martin album, wouldn’t listen to an old man like Carlin, and probably couldn’t handle the raw truth of Bill Hicks if they had even heard of him.

No, they’re a bunch of kids who stumbled across an HBO special or his myspace page, and he’s all they know of stand-up. They think that if you stand on a stage and say a bunch of shit, occasionally with comedic timing, and throw in some goofy noises, well hell, that must be funny! I mean, everybody else wouldn’t be laughing if it wasn’t funny, right?

But I think that’s too simple an explanation. These kids have surely been exposed to people who are actually funny. The aforementioned Human Giant for example. They’re funny and all the cool kids like them. Sarah Silverman has a great show on Comedy Central and just hosted the MTV Movie Awards. She’s hilarious. And although he’s a right-wing redneck tool, even Larry the Fucking Cable Guy knows how to tell a joke.

Which brings me to…

Theory #3 - His Fans Are Fucking Morons

When I was in high school, my friends and I used to tell jokes that weren’t really jokes at all. For example:

Q: How many pancakes does it take to cover a dog house?
A: Five. Ice cream doesn’t have bones!

We had a handful of these, and we’d tell them at every opportunity. They made no sense, but the key was to laugh hysterically immediately after telling them. The person on the receiving end of these non-jokes had two choices. They could be honest and say “I don’t get it” or they could laugh and pretend to get it just to fit in. Which do you suppose was the more common outcome?

I think this summarizes a good deal of Dane Cook’s popularity. He’s marketed himself as the hip new edgy comedian all the kids are into, and these stupid fucking pack animals, the same type I fucking loathed in high school, go along with the crowd because everybody’s doing it. The most important thing to be is exactly like every one of your friends, and hey, they all think Dane Cook is the shit! Seriously, we wouldn’t all be laughing if it wasn’t funny, would we?

Theory #4 - His Fans Are All Thirteen Year Old Girls Who Dream of Giving Him Their Virginity in the Back of His Tour Bus

Yeah, that’s probably it.