I’m Just Sittin’ Here Watchin’ The Weevils Get Caught and Drown

So a little over a year ago, we moved out into the country. There’s bugs out here, and we get the usual spiders and crickets and whatnot, but both summers we’ve been here we’ve had big problems with these little tiny gray bastards that get inside and crawl everywhere. They look kind of like pot seeds with antennae and legs. After much research I eventually figured out that they were imported longhorn weevils (calomycterus setarious), which as I understand it were unintentionally brought over from Japan (which I guess explains their love of manga).

Now I try to pretend I’m enlightened and respect all life, but the truth is I’m just lazy. They don’t fly or jump, they don’t bite, and they don’t carry any diseases. Mrs. FatDave does a good job keeping them out of the kitchen, so I tend to not care too much about them unless they invade my personal space.

And this has started to become a problem. My wife may sweep them out of the kitchen, but my office is my problem. Anybody whose ever seen my office knows that I’m not the fastidious type. In fact I’m the opposite of fastidious. What’s that called again? Oh yes–slovenly.

So I’m pretty sure there’s a fair number of weevils crawling around in my office, and this is evidenced by the fact that they often launch organized assaults on my Diet Coke cans. See, nothing seems to attract these little assholes like moisture, and I’ve nearly always got a cold Diet Coke within easy reach, and it tends to sit on the corner of my desk sweating which inevitably brings around the weevils.

At first I was a little squeaminsh about killing them, and I’d pick them up in a kleenex and crush them. But now I just smash them with a bare finger, which elicits a satisfying crunch. Mahavira would not approve.

But at certain times of day (roughly 3AM) it seems like the weevils get extra active, and defending my soda was requiring more attention. A better solution was required (I’m not being paid too little to kill weevils all night, after all). Luckily, I was able to come up with one.

As of yesterday, on the corner of my desk, sits a small plate full of water. In the middle of the plate is an empty mason jar on which I set my pop can. The mason jar used to hold my pens, but my children always seem to have a higher purpose for those, so the jar was sitting empty awaiting its true destiny. Now there is no way for a little crawly thing to get to the pop can without crossing water, and as it turns out imported longhorn weevils are horrible swimmers. Essentially, what I’ve done is to build a moat around my pop can, and it has worked wonderfully.

Of course as I was building my weevil trap, some experimentation was needed. I had to determine whether or not weevils could swim, so I poured water into the plate and waited for a vollunteer. Soon I had two; one very small and one quite large. I debated about which would make the better test subject (the smaller may not break the water’s surface tension, but the large one may be more buoyant), but I couldn’t make up my mind. Eventually I just decided to choose the lesser of two weevils.