Merry Christmas

Ever Wish You Had Sonic Hearing?

Behold the miracle of sonic hearing! Not since the ground-shaking innovation of refractive lens technology has such an amazing innovation been made available to the public at such low prices.

What I’m going on about is the Silver Sonic XL made by Bell and Howell (not really). The commercials for this thing and at least one other very similar competing product are currently in rotation on some of my favorite obscure cable channels. It’s basically a small microphone, amplifier, and earbud disguised as a bluetooth headset for all your stealthy and/or medical amplified hearing needs. The Whisper 2000 for the wireless generation. Or for the wireless generation’s grandparents. I’m sure it leads to all kinds of entertaining conversations at the senior center:

“Oh Agnes, I didn’t know you had bluetooth.”

“Well, I’m scheduled to see the dentist on friday…”

But the silly factor is not why I’m writing this. Well, not that particular silly factor anyway.

The reason I’m writing this is the commercial’s constant use of the phrase “sonic hearing”. It opens with the words “Ever wish you had sonic hearing?” If you see where I’m going with this, feel free to skip ahead.

Let’s turn once again to dictionary.com.

sonic (adjective)

1. of or pertaining to sound.
2. noting or pertaining to a speed equal to that of sound in air at the same height above sea level.

Of or pertaining to sound. So “sonic hearing” means…hearing that can detect sound? That’s hardly as impressive as olfactory hearing. When I can get olfactory hearing for $19.95+S&H, sign me up.

The second definition—noting or pertaining to a speed equal to that of sound—is equally meaningless when talking about sound. Yes, sound travels at the speed of sound. Sound is sonic. We’re right back where we started. Using the word “sonic” to express speed is more impressive when describing a hedgehog than it is when describing, you know, sound. I’m surprised they didn’t say “able to detect sound moving at almost 770 miles per hour*” anywhere in the commercial.

And the other thing…did I tell you there was an other thing? There’s another thing. In both this commercial and the very similar but clearly inferior (it isn’t nearly sonic enough) competing product’s commercial, they show me all sorts of situations to illustrate just how much I need sonic hearing. One of them is hearing all the wonderfully nice things people say about me when they think I can’t hear what they’re saying. If there’s one thing my 38 years have taught me about human nature, it’s that when people think you can’t hear them they invariably discuss you in gloriously complimentary terms. For example you’d never hear “look at that douchebag walking around with a bluetooth headset on.”

So no thank you, company-that-isn’t-really-Bell-and-Howell. My hearing is sonic enough already. If you ever make something that can cancel out the incessant whine of tinnitus, I’d be interested. Just please don’t make it look like a god-damned bluetooth headset.

* at 68 degrees Fahrenheit with no humidity. Your mileage may vary.