My Reality Show Pitch

If there’s two things that reality television has proven, it’s that Americans will watch anything and that morons will suffer any humiliation–and do it on national TV–for the promise of a few dollars and 15 minutes of celebrity. Although my show’s success will depend on the first thing, it’s content will exploit the second.

My show will be called “Beaten by a Biker”, and that’s the entire premise. You agree to go on television to be stomped within an inch of your life by a one-percenter named Smokey, and you get $25,000. And you get to be on TV.

We’ll keep it safe of course. We’ll have paramedics on hand, and the Biker won’t be allowed to use any weapons. Sure, he’ll be wearing boots. He is a biker after all. And there might just be a two-by-four on the ground near him, but we’ll save that for sweeps week.

Now, for the audience to really enjoy it, we’ll need some build-up. We’ll spend some time getting to know each week’s wannabe reality star douchebag. Let them talk tough and act like an asshole for awhile until everybody sufficiently hates them and everything they represent. Fifteen minutes should be plenty. Then when they’re talking to the camera and least expect it, Smokey punches them in the back of the head and 3 cameras swoop in to shoot from multiple angles while he just goes ape-shit on the poor bastard.

And this is my favorite part: After Smokey has been pulled off of them, and they’re covered in dirty blood and giving their big “Yeah, I got beaten, but I survived it and Igot PAID!” speech, that’s when Smokey sucker punches them in the side of the head and brutally kicks their ass for another 20 minutes.

When they’re laying on the ground unable to stand up, sputtering blood from their swollen, busted lips in a vain attempt to form coherent words, the host will go over and throw their check at them. Roll credits.