Does the Pope Wear a Funny Hat?

Yes, he still does.

You’ve Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me

No, seriously, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Da Pope

OK, so it seems like Pope John Paul II has spent the last few months knocking loudly at Death’s door. Now while I wish no ill will on anyone (with the exception of Paris Hilton, who should be fed to starving dogs) I do think it’s time for a new pope. I don’t care because I’m Catholic, I’m about as fucking far from Catholic as you can get, but I care because the Catholic Church is probably the single most powerful organization in operation today. Maybe we can get somebody in there who will drag the church out of the 12th century and into at least the 18th or 19th.

You know, somebody who will say, “Hey, you know what? Maybe if priests could marry they wouldn’t be molesting altar boys all the time.” Or maybe a pope who would say “Contaception, contrashmeption, you kids have your fun,” though that would apparently be a Jewish pope, and I don’t really see that happening.

Of course nothing will ever change. Priests will never be allowed to marry and every sperm will always be sacred. What good is a religion that doesn’t meddle in the sex lives of all involved?

So you know what we should have? A Sicilian pope. A Sicilian pope with connections. Pope Don Paul Gambino. Hell, the power structure of the church is already similar to the power structure of the mob. What is the pope if not the boss of all bosses? The congregations pay tribute to the priests, who pay tribute to the bishops, all the way up to the Vatican. And if the next priest who probed an altar boy turned up in the rectory with two bullets in the back of his head, maybe it would send a clear message to any other priests who were fighting that particular temptation. Bullets in the brain are messy, but you can’t strangle a priest with piano wire. The collar gets in the way.

Of course if the next pope is named Pope George Ringo, far as I’m concerned he can do whatever he wants, because that would just be cool.