I’m Just Sittin’ Here Watchin’ The Weevils Get Caught and Drown

So a little over a year ago, we moved out into the country. There’s bugs out here, and we get the usual spiders and crickets and whatnot, but both summers we’ve been here we’ve had big problems with these little tiny gray bastards that get inside and crawl everywhere. They look kind of like pot seeds with antennae and legs. After much research I eventually figured out that they were imported longhorn weevils (calomycterus setarious), which as I understand it were unintentionally brought over from Japan (which I guess explains their love of manga).

Now I try to pretend I’m enlightened and respect all life, but the truth is I’m just lazy. They don’t fly or jump, they don’t bite, and they don’t carry any diseases. Mrs. FatDave does a good job keeping them out of the kitchen, so I tend to not care too much about them unless they invade my personal space.

And this has started to become a problem. My wife may sweep them out of the kitchen, but my office is my problem. Anybody whose ever seen my office knows that I’m not the fastidious type. In fact I’m the opposite of fastidious. What’s that called again? Oh yes–slovenly.

So I’m pretty sure there’s a fair number of weevils crawling around in my office, and this is evidenced by the fact that they often launch organized assaults on my Diet Coke cans. See, nothing seems to attract these little assholes like moisture, and I’ve nearly always got a cold Diet Coke within easy reach, and it tends to sit on the corner of my desk sweating which inevitably brings around the weevils.

At first I was a little squeaminsh about killing them, and I’d pick them up in a kleenex and crush them. But now I just smash them with a bare finger, which elicits a satisfying crunch. Mahavira would not approve.

But at certain times of day (roughly 3AM) it seems like the weevils get extra active, and defending my soda was requiring more attention. A better solution was required (I’m not being paid too little to kill weevils all night, after all). Luckily, I was able to come up with one.

As of yesterday, on the corner of my desk, sits a small plate full of water. In the middle of the plate is an empty mason jar on which I set my pop can. The mason jar used to hold my pens, but my children always seem to have a higher purpose for those, so the jar was sitting empty awaiting its true destiny. Now there is no way for a little crawly thing to get to the pop can without crossing water, and as it turns out imported longhorn weevils are horrible swimmers. Essentially, what I’ve done is to build a moat around my pop can, and it has worked wonderfully.

Of course as I was building my weevil trap, some experimentation was needed. I had to determine whether or not weevils could swim, so I poured water into the plate and waited for a vollunteer. Soon I had two; one very small and one quite large. I debated about which would make the better test subject (the smaller may not break the water’s surface tension, but the large one may be more buoyant), but I couldn’t make up my mind. Eventually I just decided to choose the lesser of two weevils.

What Really Happened to John McCain?

Those of us who didn’t just surface from a subterranean fallout shelter know that there are two John McCains. The circa 2000 John McCain was the “Maverick” John McCain (because apparently he was the legend of the west). While technically a republican, most republicans bitched about him and democrats considered him to be one of the few tolerable ones.

Then, ’round about 2005 or so, John McCain changed. Right when he should have been distancing himself from Bush, he started laboriously tonguing his ass crack. Religious nuts Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, who he had previously criticized, suddenly became his pals. The Bush tax cuts he voted against were suddenly a good idea.

There were many theories as to why this sudden change occurred. Some thought it was just pandering to the party base for his inevitable 2008 presidential run. Others thought a specific deal had actually been struck, i.e. Karl Rove as his campaign strategist in exchange for continuous public blow-jobs given to Bush.

But I think I’ve finally figured out what happened, as evidenced by the following picture.

This post was inspired by this thread on democraticunderground.com. The McCain picture used was supplied by user Chulanowa.

We Can Be Happy Underground

I realize my posting frequency has dropped to about once a month these days. It’s not that I’ve gotten lazy, busy or depressed, and it’s not that I’ve run out of things to say. Truth be told, I’ve been forced into hiding.

You see, it’s recently come to light that an angry mob has been scouring the country looking for everyone who hasn’t tried Honey Bunches of Oats, and well, without going into too much detail, I’ve decided it would be in my interest to lay low for awhile. I’ll continue to post stupid crap as my situation allows.

Vive la résistance!

Pain is Not Funny

I woke up sore all over this morning. I couldn’t figure out why. I thought maybe I just slept wrong again or something. Then something made me laugh, the pain intensified, and my mystery was solved. I was sore from laughing.

See, I spent a good hour or so yesterday laughing. By myself, laughing loud and uncontrollably, with tears and everything. What was so god-damned funny? This:

Garfield Minus Garfield

The guy who came up with this is a pure genius, but I don’t know if I can forgive him for making me ache all over.

(I also saw this picture yesterday. It didn’t help matters.)

The Death Proof Drinking Game

Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof just came out today on DVD. Even if you saw Grindhouse, you need to see this cut of the movie, as there’s about 45 minutes of additional footage, most of it completely fucking awesome. Anyway, in honor of what is, in my opinion, QT’s best movie since Pulp Fiction, here is the Death Proof Drinking Game (as played by me and my friend Larry).

Take a drink when…

• …a different Tarantino movie is referenced
• …there is a gratuitous ass-shot
• …Burt Reynolds is referenced
• …a Shiner Bock or Shiner Beer logo is clearly shown
• …the Crazy Babysitter Twins come on screen
• …Stuntman Mike is seen lurking in the background
• …anyone whines or begs

Take a shot when…

• …characters in the movie take a shot (or swig from a bottle)

Extra points if you play using Shiner Bock and Chartreuse. Or Jaeger, Wild Turkey, or even Four Roses. If you use a mixed drink instead of beer, it should be drunk from a glass boot.

Things You Never Hear

• Seriously, The Daily Show was way better when Craig Killborn hosted it.
• As a professional web developer, I can assure you that there is no better browser than Internet Explorer.
• The Last Waltz was kind of mediocre until Neil Diamond came on stage.
• But what about all the good things George W. Bush has done?
• I’ll never replace Windows ME on my computer.
• Hey, will you sign my petition to get Supertrain released on DVD?
• I wish Kajagoogoo would reunite.
• I’m worried they may be rushing Perl 6 to market.
• I miss New Coke.
• The Fox network does too much to support new series.
• George Lucas should edit Jar-Jar into the original trilogy.
• You can have this mint condition Joust Pinball machine if you’ll just haul it out of my basement.
• Now available: Duke Nukem Forever
• Thank God I bought an N-Gage!
• Why yes, I’d love a copy of The Watchtower. Would you like to come in?

What’s In My Comment Spam Today?

You see, I fucking hate comment spammers. And even though I catch every piece of spam they try to post here, they never stop trying.

So today I went through my spam filter. It had been awhile. There were 574 spam comments. But I can never just click the button to delete them all, I at least have to scan through them quickly to make sure there’s not a legitimate comment amongst them. I have delusions that people actually read this shit, even though my posts have averaged one a month lately. And that’s for a good month.

But looking at all these spam comments today, I noticed a pattern. And I don’t just mean that 90% of them were from the same fucktard that puts “ka-ka-sh-ka” in the body. No, the pattern I noticed was that the comment titles were all obviously search terms culled from somewhere. They were the exact phrases that people were punching into a search engine.

Now, it’s no big thing to pull out the search terms that led a person to your site. Most people come here searching for “nude celebrities“. But these fucking spammers, they seem to be capturing the search terms that bring a person to one of their sites and then using them as titles for more comment spam. The theory, I guess, is that if somebody searched for it once, they’ll search for it again, and maybe they’ll follow a link the spammer put in a comment on somebody’s blog.

Well, that’s fucking annoying, but I always say, “If life hands you lemons, squirt the juice into your enemies’ eyes.” However circuitous the route, the end result is that I get to see what a buch of random assholes are searching the net for. Unfortunately, it paints a pretty fucking pathetic picture of humanity.

So anyway, here’s what’s in my comment spam.

pregnant strapon femdom

OK, this dude (I assume it’s a dude) wants to be dominated by a pregnant female with a strap-on. “Femdom” means “female dominance” for those of you who’ve never been to asstr.org. But whatever, to each their own. Takes all kinds, different strokes, consenting adults, and yada yada.

asian doggystyle movie

Nothing wrong with Asian doggy-style movies of course. Long as I’ve been on the net, I’ve probably come across (or over) a few. I’m just amazed how specific the search was. A doggy-style movie with a Latina won’t work, nor will an Asian reverse cowgirl clip. Not even Asian doggy-style pictures are good enough. Nope, discriminating porn surfers demand Asian doggy-style movies.

aqua teen hunger force hentai

OK, now that’s just weird. I got no problem with the ecchi, mind you, but Aqua Teen? You want what, Meatwad panchira pics? Milkshake bukkake? You know, I take back what I said about different strokes and all that. Anybody looking for Aqua Teen hentai is a demented fuck, and I don’t mean that in a good way.

billy idol music

Really? People are looking for Billy Idol music in 2007? Huh…

imagine kingman spyder

It’s easy if you try.

bare foot jenna maniac

Look out Jenna! Some maniac is spanking it to your bare feet!

electric guitar musical instrument

zzounds.com has the best prices on guitars, but geartree.com is usually cheaper for accessories. Also, you don’t need to put “musical instrument” in there. Everybody knows what an electric guitar is.

perl black book

You know, I’d never heard of The Perl Black Book because where I come from if it ain’t in the camel book, in perldoc, or cpan, it don’t exist. But it sounds like it might actually be a good book. Thanks for the tip, comment spammers!

bumkins super bib

OK, my worst fears were confirmed when I looked this up. That is actually a brand name of a bib. Like for infants. People are looking for a specific brand of bib. I mean, fuck those bibs they got over at Shit-In-A-Box, my kid deserves a Bumkins bib! You fucking mindless consumer pricks, a bib is a fucking bib, and if you go out of your way to buy a specific brand of bib, well, you should just fucking die already.

What’s that? Yeah, I do actually. Two boys and a girl. Weren’t you supposed to be dying or something?

active desktop calendar

Umm, when you say active desktop, you don’t mean Active Desktop, do you? Because that was one of the stupidest fucking things Microsoft ever came up with. Well, that and the registry. And letting a web browser execute native code. And NetBEUI. OK, Microsoft has done a lot of stupid shit, but Active Desktop is definitely in the top third of the list. I’m just going to assume it was an unfortunate positioning of an adjective and a noun. Moving on…

savoy truffles lyric

Sorry, there’s only one savoy truffle. You’ll have to have them all pulled out after the savoy truffle, not a savoy truffle. And which lyric from the song would you like? The one I just quoted? Or how about “coffee dessert, yes you know it’s good news”? I guess what I’m saying is even though you have good taste in music, you’ve still got a thing or two to learn about pluralization.

anti blood empire flag

You need an anti blood empire flag? Just take the blood empire flag and put it inside a prohibition circle. Bada-bing, it’s the anti blood empire flag.

Of course, I’m so out of touch with the kids today, I have no idea Anti-Flag put out an album (see? I even still call them albums) last year called Blood Empire. I need my comment spam to keep me on top of what’s hip.

kia minneapolis

If you buy that Kia, you’ll be lucky to make it to Apple Valley.

perception philosophy

You know what I think of your perception philosophy? Wait, actually I think that’s pretty cool. Somebody out there is actually searching for something with a little depth to it. Yup, that’s one out of 574.

bible black game

No, this has nothing to do with King Crimson. It’s more Hentai. High school teachers using sex to gain occultist powers or something. When will the Japanese learn that porn doesn’t need a plot?

tea bag papers

Wasn’t that a Tom Clancy novel? The Teabag Papers? No, apparently there’s a whole genre of crafting I’ve never heard of before called teabag folding. And that just makes me giggle uncontrollably. I’m fighting the temptation to call Hobby Lobby and ask them if they have a teabagging section.

rolling stones music

OK, here’s everything you need to know about The Rolling Stones: The radio standards are pretty much the worst songs from each album, and it’s really only about a five-year span from 1967 to 1972. Their Satanic Majesty’s Request, Beggar’s Banquet, Let it Bleed, Sticky Fingers, and Exile on Main Street. Get those albums and that’s all the Stones you need. Oh, and you should totally see Gimme Shelter. And Rock & Roll Circus. And Cocksucker Blues if you can find a bootleg.

party boobies

The best kind of boobies? Party boobies, of course!

mental disability

It would appear so.

baby phat pants

Once again, I’m so out of touch with today’s youth that my comment spam was the first place I heard of what I’m sure is a popular line of pants for young girls with nice asses. While I’m tempted to say something here about rampant consumerism and corporate-crafted trends, well, girls showing off their butts is something I can really get behind.

cartoon dragonball sex z

OK, see, that’s dorky, but it makes a fuck of a lot more sense than Aqua Teen porn.

road roses

That was a late-90’s Twisted Metal copycat wherein scantily clad big-breasted women drove around in heavily armed generic muscle cars trying to blow each other up. It was an enormous failure, just like every other game that tried to add big tits to a previously successful formula but fucked up the gameplay because they thought gamers were a bunch of adolescent dweebs that would buy anything with boobies in it.

leather prada purse

Poor pathetic woman. You’ve got to have that fancy purse to gain the respect of your peers? Well you know what? If that’s what your peers respect, they’re fucking retards. Spend that money on a book, or piano lessons, or fuck I don’t care, ice cream. Do you think buying expensive trendy shit is going to make you happy? Don’t you realize that next year you’ll just have to buy whatever new expensive shit they tell you is cool once the Prada handbags are passé? Or do you hate yourself so much that the only thing that makes you feel better is showing off that you can afford expensive shit? Whatever the case, you, madam, are everything that’s wrong with this country.

funny black people joke

Here’s a good one I heard on Something Awful:

A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor’s office wearing a suit. The doctor says “Why are you wearing a suit?” The black man says “I just got back from a funeral”

Man, you won’t hear Imus telling that one!

baby clothes john sean

OK, forget what I said about the Prada woman. You are everything that’s wrong with this country. Sean John baby clothes? Are you fucking kidding me? You’re going to pay how much for shit your kid’s going to outgrow in a month? Maybe you haven’t noticed, but babies grow fucking fast. Tell you what, why don’t you take the money you were going to spend dressing baby up like a little gangsta and give it to me to buy pot with. I’ll feel better and you won’t look like a douchebag. Everybody wins.

johnny rubber

Johnny Rubber was a mascot for Trojan Condoms that never made it out of market research. Rubber Johnny, on the other hand, is seriously fucked up.

nickelodeon hentai

Wow. Just…wow.

hair picture pubic style

Just go buy a penthouse. You’ll see the landing strip, the Brazilian, even the little Hitler. Beyond that, just use your creativity. Shave your pubes into a heart, a lighting bolt, Idaho, or the logo of your favorite football team. Once you get really skilled with the clippers, try to do a Bart Simpson. You’ll be the talk of Cindy’s sleepover.

replica michael kors handbag

Oh, are you fucking kidding me? Looking cool to your shallow friends is just too expensive, so you go looking for fake expensive shit? Because they’ll never notice the shitty craftsmanship or that it actually says “Michael Kros” or some shit. You’re pathetic on so many levels it’s not even worth trying to understand your lack of humanity.

red hot chili papers

Tom Clancy’s sequel to The Teabag Papers.

used chain link fence

Because nothing tells your family how much you love them like used chain link fence.

baby phat replica handbag

No, that’s not a joke. That was really in there. All I did was save it for the end. But I suppose it had to come to this. People trying to buy some kind of identity, young girls with nice asses, and people unable to afford the identity they so desperately think can be bought have all converged into this one unholy string of text that somebody actually searched for. And a comment spammer picked up on the search and stuck it into my blog comments. America, you had one hell of a ride, but this can only mean it’s over.