You wanna see something really funny?

What is this word coming to??!?!

Warning: You may become annoyed. I mean seriously, orange Comic Sans MS on a green background? What were you thinking? I’m getting another headache just remembering it.

Update: The dumb chick who was upset because she thought I was really going to divorce my wife over peanut butter has locked that blog entry. Awwww, I’m sorry I made fun of you, baby. Is it my fault you don’t understand satire? I’m sorry I made fun of your site design too.

A Scene From My Life

INT. LIVING ROOM  NIGHT

DAVE is lying on a COUCH under a BLANKET watching FUTURAMA
on a TELEVISION. Other than the light from the TV and a
light in the adjoining dining room, the room is dark.

Silhouetted, KARRI enters from the dining room wearing a red
plaid flannel jacket. She carries a pack of CIGARETTES.

                    DAVE
          You're gonna smoke? You didn't even
          invite me?

                    KARRI
          You're naked.

                    DAVE
          That doesn't mean I won't come smoke
          with you.

DAVE presses pause on a REMOTE and the PICTURE freezes on a
scene in a locker room. The picture shows LEELA wearing
nothing but a white towel.

                    DAVE
               (continuing)
          Actually, first I’m going to masturbate
          to Leela in a towel.

                    KARRI
               (disgusted)
          You’re going to masturbate to Futurama?

DAVE starts to get up, wrapping the blanket around himself.

                    DAVE
          Nah. Not to Leela anyway. They draw Amy
          really sexy sometimes though.

The two make their way through a DOOR into…

INT. GARAGE  NIGHT

The garage is mostly filled by a CAR and a MINIVAN, both
green. Various bikes, tools, and toys line the walls. There
is an old COUCH made of light beige leather against one
wall. KARRI and DAVE (still wrapped in the blanket) sit down
on the couch.

                    KARRI
               (lighting cigarette)
          If you ever jack off over a drawing….

                    DAVE
               (lighting cigarette)
          Even if it’s lesbian hentai? They draw
          some really hot naked girls with great
          big eyes and purple hair.

                    KARRI
          Purple hair?

                    DAVE
          Sometimes blue.

FatDave Answers the Questions That Snopes Can’t

Snopes lists these questions as “unanswerable“. Well, I can answer them just fine.

Has anyone had to cut off their tongue because it frozen to a flagpole?

Of course, but it’s hard to come by exact numbers because people who have had to cut their tongues off rarely talk about it.

DRIED PIDGEON MANURE IF IT MAKES CONTACT WITH YOUR EYE, WILL CAUSE YOU TO GO BLIND?

If pigeon shit is dried in a configuration where it has a sharp point, and this is jammed into the eye, then yes, you will go blind in that eye. Likewise, dried pigeon shit fired from some sort of dried pigeon shit gun can also cause blindness if it strikes the eye. However, as any good catholic will tell you, the quickest route to blindness remains masturbation.

Does urinating on a lemon tree make it grow quicker/better?

No, but lemon juice applied twice daily will make your penis grow thicker/longer and also give it that fresh lemon scent the ladies can’t resist.

I just read a blurb that pre-packaged foods can cause people to turn gay because of too much estrogen. If I was only allowed one question for snopes, I would ask if this is true. Is it?

Of course it can! Prepackaged chips and cereal are the worst. The FDA has advised that Wheaties, despite all their athletic jocko posturing, can turn a red-blooded American straight boy into a cock-craving queen after about 3 months of daily consumption. To avoid food-related homosexuality, you should only eat foods you kill yourself. Also, as a general rule, to avoid homosexuality you should try to avoid sex with people of your own gender.

If someone was too eat a huge clump of wasabi paste..Could they choke to death from being unable to breath?

No, but they would likely choke to death on their own puke. It’s a little known fact that Jimi Hendrix ate a huge clump of wasabi paste on the night he died.

Also, “breath” is a noun, fuckwad.

People who get bite by a spider then get large bump on their body. The bump then erupps into hundereds of baby spiders. Can that realy happen?

With enough crystal meth, anything is possible.

A friend of mine asked me if I’ve ever hear of invisible witches or ghosts that suck the blood out of a person’s arm while they are sleeping. Apparently, she saw “marks” on her boyfriend’s arm and this was the story that he told her.

While the full list of invisible ghosts and witches that accost you while you sleep is far too long to list here, I can assure you that there is a variety that sucks the blood from tiny pinhole-like holes in your arm. These same ghosts will make you fail a drug test and can sometimes spread the HIV virus.

I heard that bananas have a natural chemical that makes you happy. Is it also true that cockroaches can survive an atomic blast?

You’re confusing bananas and valium, but don’t worry, it’s a very common mistake. Cockroaches can survive an atomic blast, but they often become giant rampaging mutated cockroaches that leave a trail of death and destruction through downtown Tokyo.

I’m 19 and from Yuma, Az and I would like to know if this myth I’v been hearing is true? By masturbating it helps the chance by not getting cancer? Is that true?..also I’v hurd other myths about masturbation and don’t know if those myths are true or not. But I would like to know about the question I asked befoe.

On the contrary, masturbation will actually cause cancer, along with blindness, hair on the palms, insanity, and acid reflux. The only positive benefit of mastubation is increased muscle mass in the forearm.

IS IT TRUE PEARLS BRING SADNESS

In some circumstances, yes. If your wife is wearing a string of pearls and they get caught in a piece of industrial machinery which then pulls her in and tears her into tiny little wife shreds, then yes, pearls do bring sadness. Unless of course you never really liked her.

Is it true that a girl cannot get pregnant if her mate smokes the seeds of marijuana when he smokes marijuana, please tell me if this is true because a lot of people tell me it is true and a lot of people tell me it’s not and I don’t know whaether to believe it or not because this town lies a lot. thanks.

Come on, who are you gonna trust? Your parents, teachers, and medical professionals or your pothead friends?

Can cocoa butter get rid of stretch marks?

Yes, if applied with 80-grit on an air-powered orbital sander.

is it true that if you take already been chewed gum and put it in an orange peel and put it in the refigrator for 4-6 weeks and then eat it will it be acid?

Yes it will. Unfortunately it will be H₂SO₄ as opposed to the C₂₀H₂₅N₃O you’re probably looking for.

can you tell me how i would analyze the effect each statistic has on the world.

Well, the problem with statistically analyzing the effect of statistics is that in doing so, one creates even more statistics which then exponentially alter the outcome of your original analyses. Think about that the next time you’re really high.

Have you heard anything about a palm rub done when someone is shaking or holding hands that indicates they want to have sex with you? It sounds like some kind of secret sex handshake - and I’ve heard nothing about it till today.

Yes, it involves rubbing the other person’s palm with your genitals, and it sends a very clear message of your desire to have sex with them. Of course, it’s of utmost importance that you not try any secret handshakes without adequate practice, lest you suddenly find yourself in the company of the Illuminati.

how much would a penguin egg cost to buy and ship to texas email me as soon as you get the answer to this question bcuz i would like to buy a penguin egg so please email me asap!!!

You’re in luck. I will ship you one penguin egg* if you send $150 (plus $4.95 shipping & handling) to penguineggs@bileduct.com via paypal.

Is the government really as controlling and secretive as books make them out to be? Are there really tons and tons of secret spies all over the world?

If I told you, I’d have to kill your dog.

I would like to know what does work and what does not work for getting rid of ‘hickeys.’ Such as the cold spoon trick, toothpaste trick, etc.

Clinical trials have shown that the best results are achieved with the molten lead trick.

Is it true that you are more likely to die from a champagne cork than a poisonous spider?

Well, this depends entirely on your frequency of exposure to each. For example, if you work in the quality control department of a large champagne bottler, and your job is to open every hundredth bottle off the line, then your chances of being killed by a champagne cork are considerably higher. Conversely, if your job involves being bitten by poisonous spiders, you should have a long talk with your old high-school guidance counselor.

Of course, it is a well known fact that a poisonous spider riding on a flying champagne cork spells instant death for anyone in its trajectory.

How long are the intestines?

26.5 inches.

Is Bounce (fabric softener sheet) unsafe to use? Is it on the EPA’s hazzardous waste list?

First of all, the EPA’s hazardous waste list should be used as a rough guideline at best. For example, nuclear waste, hydrosulfuric acid, and wasabi paste are not on the list at all.

As far as Bounce fabric softener goes, except for the rare cases where it explodes in the dryer, it is safe to use as directed. It is unsafe, however, to use as a tampon.

if anyone understands what im saying please e-mail me at this e-mail adress. does anyone here bilieve that there are aliens in other planets? who really made us is there really a god? im not saying there isnt but who made god? seriously please answer back at me

I’m not sure about in other planets, but it is statistically likely that there are aliens on other planets. They are almost assuredly three-to-four feet tall with leathery grey hairless skin, big bulbous black shiny eyes, and an unhealhty obsession with human asses. Personally, I hope we make contact with an alien race soon, because it will make the Miss Universe Pageant more interesting.

And no, there is no God.

I’ve heard that it is impossible to take a lightbulb out of your mouth once one puts it in, without either breaking the bulb or dislocating the jaw. Do you know if this is true? I’m counting on you - my husband is really curious, and I don’t want to have to drive him to the hospital…

Of course you can get a lightbulb out of your mouth. Especially a small appliance bulb, or flashlight bulb. Duh!

They say that if a person has a pet cat and dies, if the person’s body is not found fairly soon after death, the cat, having not been fed, will become ravenously hungry and eat the dead person’s face off - JUST the face!

Is this true? My cat often looks me in the face. I used to think he was just being friendly. Now I know he’s just sizing me up, like a chef at a butcher shop, waiting for “the big day”. Since hearing this rumor, every time my cat licks his chops it gives me the willies!

Well, just take comfort in the idea that the cat will wait until you’re dead to eat your face. Unfortunately, the cat may eat your balls at a moment’s notice.

* In the event of a penguin egg shortage, one super-ball will be sent in substitution.

This is Your Child on Drugs.

So I was watching TV the other day and saw a new Partnership for a Drug-Free America commercial. Actually I don’t think they’re called that anymore. They have some new 21st century name or something. Anyway, you know who I’m talking about. The commercial featured an average looking teenage boy doing a talking-head monologue that went something like this:

Hey teenager, are your parents watching this with you? Good. Have they talked to you about the drug ecstasy yet? No? They still think partying is about drinking beer, huh? They don’t know good kids just like you take ecstasy. They’ve never asked about the vitamins in your room or the glow-stick jewelry. Ecstasy can kill you and drugs are bad.

OK, I don’t think he actually said “drugs are bad”, but I forget how he wraps up.

Anyway, I just want to say thank God for this commercial! It’s high time parents were made aware of the drug ecstasy (not to be confused with the emotion ecstasy) and its inextricable link to glow-stick jewelry. Where there is glow-stick jewelry there is, without a doubt, ecstasy. Probably ketamine too.

But unfortunately, this commercial doesn’t go nearly far enough toward educating parents. Every drug out there has definitive warning signs, so as a public service I’m going to list them below.

By far, the biggest indicator of drug use in general is moodiness and rebelliousness in teenagers. Non drug using teenagers are perfectly happy, self-actualized individuals that have super relationships with their parents and their entire families. If your teenager shies away from family activities and seems to want to spend a lot of time out of the house or alone, seek counseling immediately.

If your teenager exhibits moodiness and rebellion, the music he or she listens to and the way they dress can help you determine exactly what drug they are addicted to. Generally speaking, if your child listens to the same music you listened to when you were young, it’s a safe bet they take the same drugs you did. Classic rock means marijuana and 80’s pop is a sure sign of cocaine.

Here are some specific warning signs that your child is in trouble with drugs and other nefarious activities.

Does your child wear baggy hip-hop clothing and listen to rap music?

Your child smokes crack.

Does your child wear tie-dyed t-shirts and listen to The Grateful Dead, Phish, Widespread Panic or Government Mule?

Your child smokes pot and takes LSD.

Does your child listen to The Velvet Underground or Nirvana?

Definitely heroin. If no track marks are evident, he or she shoots it under his toenails or eyelids.

Does your child listen to heavy metal music?

Methamphetamine.

Does your child listen to the blues?

Your child shot a man in Memphis.

Does your child listen to Marilyn Manson?

Your child worships The Devil and fucks dead kittens (unless your child is a girl, in which case she fucks live dobermans).

Does your child listen to techno dance music?

Ecstasy and ketamine again. That this was left out of the PSA described above is a huge disservice to paranoid parents.

Does your child wear ripped clothing, dye their hair funny colors and listen to punk rock?

Your child sniffs butyl nitrate and is probably bisexual, unless they are just a poseur.

Is your child a high-school cheerleader or football player?

You have nothing to worry about. Your child is a good old fashioned red blooded American alcoholic.

Does your child listen to 1940’s swing music by black bandleaders?

Your child smokes marijuana, but spells it “marihuana”.

Does your child lift weights?

Duh!! Steroids!! If your daughter lifts weights she probably also wolfs muff.

Is your child a teen starlet?

She smokes cigarettes and snorts cocaine.

Does your child wear Wranglers jeans, shirts with snap buttons and listen to country and/or western music?

Again, nothing to worry about. It’s only beer and Jack Daniels.

Does your teenage daughter spend much of her free time at the mall?

Your daughter sucks cock for money.

Does your teenage son spend much of his free time at the mall?

Your son sucks cock for free.

Does your child listen to Christian rock?

Your child is an idiot. They also have no taste and no friends.

Would your child rather spend time on the internet than watching TV?

This is huge. The best you can hope for is that your child is a geek. Other signs of geekdom include reading when not required to (especially science fiction), Monty Python and Dungeons and Dragons. Dungeons and Dragons is also a sure sign of Satanism, so seek immediate religious counseling and possibly exorcism.

If internet use is high but no symptoms of geekdom exist, there is only one other possibility. Your child is meeting middle-aged men in chat rooms then meeting them at the mall to have sex with them.

Does your teen seem nervous around the opposite sex?

Your child is homosexual.

While the temptations facing teens in the 21st century are many, by familiarizing yourself with the warning signs and remaining vigilant, you can save your children. If your child exhibits any of these warning signs, they should be institutionalized at once.

The Sad Case of Ida Wilcox

In the 22 years that The Price is Right has aired on CBS, a total of eight people have died during a taping of the show. Five were from heart attacks (three when called to Contestants’ Row, one when called onto stage, and one at Johnny Olsen’s shouting of “A new car!”). Two were the quiet passings of elderly audience members, and the last was the 1986 demise of one Ida Wilcox from Macon Georgia, described below.

Aside from Ms. Wilcox and the two heart attacks which occurred on stage, the shows still aired. The elderly audience members were quietly removed off-camera, and the three “come on down” heart attack victims were carried away on stretchers by studio paramedics amidst Bob Barker’s assurances that they were OK. In each case a new audience member was called to Contestants’ Row and the footage was edited for broadcast.

But the most spectacular Price is Right death remains Ida Wilcox.

Ida was called to contestants’ row just before the second round. She was the picture of Southern-Baptist propriety, dressed in a navy-blue blouse with lace frills at the neck, matching blue slacks and a blue hat decorated with sprigs of baby’s breath. Upon arrival, she excitedly informed Bob that it was her 78th birthday that day. In fact, she had been chosen as a contestant for that very reason.

Also in Contestants’ Row that day was one Jimmy Reese, a body builder from Dubuque, Iowa. Weighing in at 300 pounds of solid muscle, the six-foot-three Jimmy dwarfed his podium. He wore stone-washed blue jeans and a black t-shirt a size too small, his gargantuan biceps straining the seams as they oozed from the arm holes. His demeanor however seemed incongruous with his mammoth proportions. He placed his bids sheepishly, stooping down to speak softly into the too-low microphone, and appeared noticeably nervous to be on television. He occasionally wiped beaded sweat from his forehead with his slab-of-meat-like hand.

At the beginning of round three, fortune smiled on Jimmy Reese as the item up for bid was a home gym system. It was the exact model Jimmy had coveted for several months, and he was intimately familiar with its price and specifications. He won the gym and made it on stage though he didn’t win $100 for guessing the price precisely. He went on to win a grandfather clock and a dining room set playing the Clock Game.

Ida Wilcox, however, never made it on stage.

Inevitably, the time came for the first Showcase Showdown where Jimmy and two other contestants would have a chance to spin the big wheel. Jimmy was the second of the days first (and only) three contestants to approach the wheel. The Berkeley sorority girl who spun first ended up with a meager 65 cents.

Jimmy’s turn came and he reached for a high grip on the wheel and pulled sharply down. Unfortunately, his nervousness had led his beefy palms to sweat and his grip slipped from the handle. The wheel slowly went “boop boop boop” but did not even complete a single turn. The audience erupted into laughter and Jimmy turned beet red. Bob paused the proceedings to gently rib Jimmy (much to the audience’s amusement), saying “Now Jimmy, I know a big guy like you can get that wheel to go around at least once.” Jimmy wiped his palms on his jeans and regained his composure. He made up his mind that this time he was going to spin that fucking wheel for all it was worth.

Jimmy grabbed hold of the wheel and squatted down. Then, using his over-developed thighs, he straightened and jumped 26 inches into the air turning the wheel backward as he rose. As he descended he held tight, directing his downward momentum into the big wheel. Upon landing, he continued to shove the front of the wheel downward with all his might until he had to let go or risk being pulled under it. Upon releasing his grip he stumbled backward and fell on the stage, bruising his tailbone.

Bob Barker and the other contestants on stage stared slack-jawed as the wheel spun like it had never spun before. The “boop boop boop” of the spinning wheel blended into one continuous tone, the numbers an unreadable blur of white, green and red.

After ten seconds, the wheel showed no signs of slowing down. Bob made no attempt to fill the time. The entire studio stared in rapt attention. After a few more seconds, a hideous creaking noise broke the silence. Expressions of awe turned to shock and fear throughout the studio as the left axle of the wheel broke. The wheel leaned 15 degrees from its upright position but still showed no signs of slowing. Moments later—though it surely seemed an eternity for the participants—the right axle broke free and the wheel hit the stage with a deafening thud. “Jesus Fucking Christ!” yelled Rod Roddy into his microphone as the wheel began to roll across the stage toward Contestants’ Row.

The audience erupted into panicked screams. Housewives shrieked and sailors wept. Two of Barker’s Beauties were flung hard to the stage as they grabbed at the wheel in a futile attempt to curb its momentum.

Poor Ida Wilcox was unable to flee quickly enough, and the wheel crashed into her podium, knocking it free and pinning her between it and the first row of seats. Two hours later she was officially pronounced dead due to internal bleeding at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Studio City, California.

Charges of involuntary manslaughter were briefly brought against Jimmy Reese but were quickly dropped. CBS settled out of court with the family of Ida Wilcox for an undisclosed sum. Jimmy spent the next three years in counseling and now works for Ron’s Landscaping in Iowa City, Iowa. He still enjoys his home gym, grandfather clock and dining room set.