Where Does Water Come From?

If a five-year-old ever asks you this question, the answer is “rain”. That’s it. That will be enough. A five-year-old has very little interest in the evaporation/precipitation cycle, and even less interest in hydrogen and oxygen and that they’ve been around since the big bang. By the time you get to the strong and weak nuclear forces, they’re ignoring you and have already gone back to coloring or watching Looney Tunes. So save your breath. Water comes from rain.

Wonder Showzen: 2005-2006

I guess it’s kind of old news, but my best friend just informed me that Wonder Showzen will not be coming back for a third season. Wonder Showzen has now earned that most unequivocal indicator of quality television: A premature cancellation.

And while it’s a shame, I can’t really be sad. In fact, I actually think I’m happier that it’s going out relatively unknown. I made a wonderful television discovery one morning at 3AM, shared it with my closest friends (some of whom thought I was insane to like it, but were not at all surprised that I did), and now it’s gone before it could be mass-marketed, cross-promoted, and brand-built. I have the DVD’s, so Chauncey and the gang will always be there for me and anybody I think is fucked-up enough to withstand the stark, ugly, profound truths it exposes.

A Prediction

Stephen Colbert, in honor of The Colbert Report’s one-year anniversary, is auctioning off the portrait that has hung over his fireplace since the debut of his show, all proceeds to be given to charity. In under a half hour it’s gone from $300 to just over $40,000 on ebay. Soon as he announced the auction on his show, I predicted it would sell for $75,000. I’m sticking with that. Check back in 10 days to see just how far off the mark I am.

And by the time I finished this post, it had already topped $100,000. No “I Called It” balloons for Dave.

Added on 10/20: And most of those bids were fake, as I started to guess when it topped $600K in under an hour. Throw them out and it’s down to a little over $5000.

Added on 10/27: Final price is $50,605.00. Not exactly the $75,000 I predicted, but still a pretty good showing.

Goofy Kid Songs

So I’ve got these 3 kids, and they’re all pretty cool. Their favorite movie is Yellow Submarine, and I couldn’t be prouder. Of course they’ll never be allowed to read the filth that spews forth from my keyboard.

So every night at bedtime, they get sung to. Generally they get a mix of The Beatles, Warren Zevon, sometimes some old Pink Floyd or Springsteen, and of course the standard kid song fare.

But ’round about the time my second son was two, I saw a PBS documentary about the life of Fred Rogers, better known simply as Mr. Rogers. I guess I really had absolutely nothing better to do that day. Anyway, they showed a really old clip of his show, back when he was on a local station somewhere and never actually appeared on-screen, just working as puppeteer and doing the voices. On it he sang a distorted version of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” that went like this:

Propel, propel, propel your craft
Over liquid solution
Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically
Existence is but an illusion

Well, I thought that was pretty awesome, and in no time added it to the kids bedtime song repertoire. I’d sing a couple normal verses of “Row Your Boat”, then one last verse the Mr. Rogers way. Eventually, my two-year-old learned to sing it along with me.

But I’m not one to be outclevered by Mr. Rogers, so I came up with this:

The microscopic arachnid ascended the drainage device
Liquid precipitation flushed the arachnid from the pipes
Solar radiation caused evaporation
And the microscopic arachnid repeated his ascension

And their current favorite (though not really a song per se)…

This little piggy got slaughtered
This little piggy survived
This little piggy ate cow flesh
This little piggy starved and died
And this little piggy peed all over himself

And let me tell you, that’s a laugh riot when you’re five years old. Or when you’re a really immature 36-year-old.

FatDave’s Triple-Bypass Alfredo and The Secret to Making Good Pasta

OK, gather this stuff for the sauce:

• 1 stick real butter. I reccomend FatDave’s You’d Better Fucking Believe It’s Butter brand. If you have a choice, go with unsalted butter, if you don’t, no biggie.
• 1 tbsp. fresh garlic. Garlic powder and garlic salt go on bread only. You don’t have to dice cloves, get one of those handy jars.
• 1 qt. Half and Half
• 8 oz. grated parmesan. One of those plastic jars like you buy all the time is exactly 8 oz.
• Nutmeg.
• 1 tbsp. or so of corn starch
• Water

OK, this first part is kind of emergency preparation, but it’s good to be ready unless you don’t mind runny alfredo. Take a small bowl (small as you got, or maybe even a small cup) and put the corn starch in it. Slowly add cold water and stir. You want it just to the point that it’s runny, not pasty. Set that shit aside.

Take the lid off the parmesan and leave it off.

Melt the butter in a saucepan, lowish heat. Throw in a tablespoon or so of the garlic, more if you like garlic as much as I do. Stir until garlic bits just start to turn brown.

Add most of the half & half. Hold back a half-cup or so in case you need to thin the sauce at some point. Immediately start stirring.

Seriously, don’t stop stirring. We’re gonna bring it to a boil, but it burns easily, so no more than half-heat and keep stirring. If you’ve got a double-boiler, use it, but who the fuck has a double-boiler? So just stir. Have somebody call the babysitter and ask “Is he stirring the sauce?”

Once that boils (as in “it has a lot of steam coming off of it” not “It’s bubbling all over the fucking place”), dump in all of the parmesan while you continue to stir. That’s why we took the lid off earlier. What, you left the foil on the jar, dumbass? FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! THE CREAM’S GOING TO BURN!! OK, it’s not that bad, I just like playing up the “keep stirring” bit.

So, now that you’ve added the cheese, keep stirring until the cheese is melted and creamy. It shouldn’t take long, and if you got the cream hot enough you can actually turn off the heat as soon as you’ve mixed in the cheese.

Now, bear in mind that this stuff is going to thicken a bit as it cools, so what we’re shooting for is “a little runnier than I’d like to eat it”. So, does it seem too thick? Add a little more half & half. Too runny? Pour in just a little (a little goes a long way) of the water/cornstartch mixture.

Mix in a pinch of nutmeg, pour it over fettucine noodles and serve. Optionally top with steamed broccoli or chicken slices.

Short version: melt butter, brown garlic, add half & half, bring to boil (stirring constantly), stir in cheese until melted. A lot easier than I made it sound, huh?

And save the extra sauce! Refrigerates to a solid, microwaves back to a thick liquid.

Thing about those noodles though…. There’s a secret to making good noodles.

First of all, don’t use fucking egg noodles. Use semolina noodles. Most real pasta shapes are semolina, so not too tough really. Just don’t use those egg noodles that have been sitting in your cupboard since the day after thanksgiving when you made turkey and noodles. In fact, make sure it’s fettucine noodles, OK? Maybe angel hair, but don’t go pouring alfredo on spaghetti, you fucking savage. Any sauce is good on fettucine though. It is the O Negative of pasta.

And you know how to get your noodles done right? Boil them until they bend easily, then put a lid on the pot and turn off the heat. They’ll be done perfectly in 5 to 10 minutes, just long enough to wrap up the sauce.

OK, but semolina noodles and turning off the heat aren’t the real secret. The real secret is that when you boil your noodles, you boil them in in just water. No salt, no oil, just plain old water (6 cups hydrogen, 3 cups oxygen). That other shit just keeps the starch from sticking to the noodles. Starchy noodles are good. Not only do they taste better, the sauce sticks to them better. Starch sticks to noodles, sauce sticks to starch, ergo sauce sticks to noodles. And the funny thing is, every cookbook I’ve ever seen, every cook I’ve ever talked to, says to either put salt, oil, or salt and oil in the water. I think it’s a conspiracy. The master pasta cooks want to keep the secret to themselves, so they lie to people and tell them to put oil in the water. Well, I’m just a programmer, so what the fuck do I care? Water, noodles, then just leave it alone already.

A Conversation Between Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein and Bob Dylan

TJ: What’s the game, Al?

AE (shuffling): Seven card stud, nothing wild. Dollar ante.

(Everyone throws in a chip, Jefferson cuts the deck, and Einstein deals each player two cards face down and one face up.)

BD (throws in a chip): I’ll bet five.

TJ: See your five…and five more.

AE: I call….

(Einstein throws in his chips and deals each player one more card face up)

BD (coughing uncontrolably): I’m out.

AE: Those fucking things are gonna kill you, Bob.

BD: Bitch, I told you, I got a fucking cold.

AE: Yeah, well those cancer sticks ain’t helping you none.

TJ: Check.

AE: Me too.

(Einstein deals another face up card to himself and Jefferson)

BD (getting up from table): I’m gettin’ a drink, anybody else want anything?

TJ: Can you make me a carbomb?

BD: I don’t know how to make a carbomb.

TJ: Well what do you know how to make? (to Einstein): I’ll bet ten.

AE (throwing his cards in): Fuck it.

BD: I know how to make a kamikaze.

(Jefferson sweeps the pot chips over to him and begins to stack them)

TJ: What’s in a kamikaze?

BD: Vodka, triple sec, and lime juice.

AE: I don’t have any triple sec.

BD: Hmmm. I could run and get some?

AE: Nah, the liquor stores close at 8 out here.

(All three men are quiet as they contemplate the situation)

TJ: Don’t you hate that?

AE (to Jefferson): Don’t…

BD: Hate what?

TJ (grinning): Uncomfortable silences.

AE (throwing a $5 chip at Jefferson): Dude, can you sometime maybe go for like five minutes without quoting Pulp Fiction?

TJ (throwing chip back at Einstein, laughing): Bitch, you know you love it!

AE: Look, do you ladies wanna fuck around all night or do you wanna play some cards here?

TJ: Just bring the vodka over, Bob. It’s your deal.

(Dylan comes back to the table carrying a large bottle of Smirnoff)

BD: Anybody got any weed?

My Ever-Hard Buddy

This is the best spam that’s ever graced my inbox:

To: FatDave
From: “Jody Adair” <rtyrrell@gmx.net>
Subject: Show your feelings with your ever-hard buddy
Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2006 13:21:45 -0800

No matter your age and actual performance, you can always do better. And the great news is that now you don?t have to wait ? the soft tab gets into bloodstream, including your buddy, in just 15-20 minutes. Down the little thing and start pleasing her in the foreplay, because minutes later you will win her very personal First Prize. Now you can be up for the entire night, reaching heavens of pleasure for both of you. You can now become the king of the bed (or wherever you use it) ? Fast, safe and easy!