How do you say “fuck off” in Russian?

So you’re a Russian. You’ve got porn or magic dick pills or something to sell. You decide to spam blogs. This makes you an asshole.

But you know what makes you a stupid asshole? That you spam my blog with it. Is there something about my pathetic little ramblings that appeals to the Russian populace so greatly that my site is an ideal place to try to sell your wares? You guys really like when I make fun of American TV commercials? You’re also pissed off about Comedy Central’s handling of Futurama?

And has any one of your spam comments ever made it onto the site? Even the ones where you just post an odd line of text that you can later search for to see whose blogs are vulnerable, do those even end up posted?

If your answers to the above questions are no, then why the fuck are my comments constantly filled with Cyrillic text?

I’m Sick of Comedy Central Fucking Up Futurama

Look, I’m glad somebody’s showing it, and I’ve got nothing against Comedy Central in general. I like The Daily Show and Colbert, and I’ll always love South Park (even though I sometimes tire of them spouting libertarian clap-trap). But they’re fucking up Futurama in a number of ways.

I suppose before I go any further, I’d better stop and say that I am a huge geek for Futurama. Having read the Wired cover story months before the show even aired, I was there from day one. I’ve watched it continuously since then. I can usually tell you the name of the episode from the opening scene, and sometimes from the opening subtitle. I can name everyone in the Robot Mafia. The show never let me down, at least not until Bender’s Big Score.

And allow me one further digression on that topic. I’d like to settle the debate once and for all: Bender’s Big Score was pretty much crap. It made That’s Lobstertainment look like Roswell That Ends Well.

But anyway, my point was that now that Comedy Central is showing the reruns, they’re fucking them all up. Here’s how.

First of all, they nearly always show two episodes back to back. I’m going to refer to them as Episode A and Episode B (even though I’m tempted to call them Episode A and Episode 1 so neither feels inferior). Now while two episodes back to back would normally be a good thing, for some reason they refuse to show the closing credits for Episode A.  They start Episode B immediately after the final dialogue of Episode A and put a tear (as in rip, not as in cry) effect across the bottom of the screen during the opening of Episode B, and inside of this torn off area they show a compressed version of the closing credits from Episode A. This would be only a minor sacrilege, except that every episode opens with a joke subtitle. Things like “Painstakingly Drawn Before a Live Audience” or “In Double-Vision (Where Drunk)”. And that god-damn tear across the bottom of the screen nearly always obscures the subtitle. It pisses me off. It’s the equivalent of cutting the chalkboard gag from the beginning of every Simpsons episode (though there’s probably some shitty channel that does that, too).

Secondly, I don’t know how they manage to do it, but they somehow fuck up the ending time of Episode A so that the DVR misses the last minute or two. Granted, I’m usually recording both episodes, so theoretically I can pick up the ending at the beginning of the next episode, except for two problems. One is that sometimes I don’t get the second episode. Despite my love of Futurama, I’ve seen each one at least a dozen times, so they’re a lowish priority in the DVR settings. Also, even when I do get the second episode recorded, there’s still a few seconds missing. Sure it’s only a few seconds, but there’s been a few times that those missing seconds contained one of the best jokes. And the really weird part of this is that despite starting late, the second episode always finishes on time. With time to spare. I get the first minute or so of whatever show follows it. WTF? Are they frontloading all the commercials into the first episode or something? Why would Episode A run over and then Episode B end on time?

And my last gripe has to do with my kids. My kids are pretty cool. They love Futurama. Seriously, every night I hear “Dad, can we watch Futurama?” Granted, there are certain episodes I don’t let them watch. I don’t want to have to explain snu-snu or how it leads to shattered pelvises. But since sometimes they show Futurama late at night, my recordings are often filled with commercials for Girls Gone Wild and gay 1-900 chat lines. I end up having to be pretty fucking diligent on the DVR remote when we watch. And seriously, are these the only advertisers Comedy Central can get? Tittie videos and gay voice chat? Fuck man, I watch G4 some nights, and all they show is commercials for pecker pills, but at least they’re subtle. I mean, my kids wouldn’t know that “male enhancement” is innuendo for “makes your cock bigger”, but it’s hard not to notice that those girls in thongs are showing their tits and kissing each other. I’m all for dumb drunk chicks showing their tits and making out of course, but I’d rather my kids don’t see it, at least not until they’re 9 or 10.

So seriously, Comedy Central, stop fucking up Futurama. Cartoon Network managed to not fuck it all up back when it was on Adult Swim. Why is it so hard for you?

Ever Wish You Had Sonic Hearing?

Behold the miracle of sonic hearing! Not since the ground-shaking innovation of refractive lens technology has such an amazing innovation been made available to the public at such low prices.

What I’m going on about is the Silver Sonic XL made by Bell and Howell (not really). The commercials for this thing and at least one other very similar competing product are currently in rotation on some of my favorite obscure cable channels. It’s basically a small microphone, amplifier, and earbud disguised as a bluetooth headset for all your stealthy and/or medical amplified hearing needs. The Whisper 2000 for the wireless generation. Or for the wireless generation’s grandparents. I’m sure it leads to all kinds of entertaining conversations at the senior center:

“Oh Agnes, I didn’t know you had bluetooth.”

“Well, I’m scheduled to see the dentist on friday…”

But the silly factor is not why I’m writing this. Well, not that particular silly factor anyway.

The reason I’m writing this is the commercial’s constant use of the phrase “sonic hearing”. It opens with the words “Ever wish you had sonic hearing?” If you see where I’m going with this, feel free to skip ahead.

Let’s turn once again to dictionary.com.

sonic (adjective)

1. of or pertaining to sound.
2. noting or pertaining to a speed equal to that of sound in air at the same height above sea level.

Of or pertaining to sound. So “sonic hearing” means…hearing that can detect sound? That’s hardly as impressive as olfactory hearing. When I can get olfactory hearing for $19.95+S&H, sign me up.

The second definition—noting or pertaining to a speed equal to that of sound—is equally meaningless when talking about sound. Yes, sound travels at the speed of sound. Sound is sonic. We’re right back where we started. Using the word “sonic” to express speed is more impressive when describing a hedgehog than it is when describing, you know, sound. I’m surprised they didn’t say “able to detect sound moving at almost 770 miles per hour*” anywhere in the commercial.

And the other thing…did I tell you there was an other thing? There’s another thing. In both this commercial and the very similar but clearly inferior (it isn’t nearly sonic enough) competing product’s commercial, they show me all sorts of situations to illustrate just how much I need sonic hearing. One of them is hearing all the wonderfully nice things people say about me when they think I can’t hear what they’re saying. If there’s one thing my 38 years have taught me about human nature, it’s that when people think you can’t hear them they invariably discuss you in gloriously complimentary terms. For example you’d never hear “look at that douchebag walking around with a bluetooth headset on.”

So no thank you, company-that-isn’t-really-Bell-and-Howell. My hearing is sonic enough already. If you ever make something that can cancel out the incessant whine of tinnitus, I’d be interested. Just please don’t make it look like a god-damned bluetooth headset.

* at 68 degrees Fahrenheit with no humidity. Your mileage may vary.

The HP TouchSmart PC

HP’s got an advertising blitz going on for their new touchscreen interface PC. It looks pretty damn cool on the commercials, and I mean come on, is the mouse really the best input device we can come up with?

But the thing is, despite HP’s Hudsuckeresque “Touch the Future Now” slogan, this has actually been tried before. Back in the 80′s. I was a computer geek long before it was cool, and I remember the first time touch screens and light pens were all the rage. So if this awesome futuristic technology is actually over 30 years old, how come we’re still using the shitty old mouse?

Well, let’s try an experiment. Pretend you’re reading this post on a touchscreen. Pretend that you can navigate just by touching links. There should be a whole shitload over there on the right. Spend five minutes touching the links, pretending to navigate around. I’ll wait.

Now, how does your arm feel? Is it sore? Does it ache? Congratulations! You’ve got gorilla arm!

Gorilla arm was a side-effect that destroyed vertically-oriented touch-screens as a mainstream input technology despite a promising start in the early 1980s. Designers of touch-menu systems failed to notice that humans are not built to hold their arms at waist- or head-height, making small and precise motions. After a short period of time, cramp may begin to set in, and arm movement becomes painful and clumsy — the operator looks like a gorilla while using the touch screen and feels like one afterwards. This is now considered a classic cautionary tale to human-factors designers; “Remember the gorilla arm!” is shorthand for “How is this going to fly in real use?”. Gorilla arm is not a problem for specialist short-term-use devices such as ATMs, since they only involve brief interactions which are not long enough to cause gorilla arm. Gorilla arm also can be mitigated by the use of horizontally-mounted screens such as those used in Tablet PCs, but these need to account for the user’s need to rest their hands on the device. This can increase the amount of dirt deposited on the device, and occludes the user’s view of the screen.

There’s an old saying about those who don’t learn from history being doomed to repeat it. Or maybe there’s a marketing saying about how most people won’t remember the failed technology of the past and they might buy some expensive hardware until the lessons are relearned. At any rate, we’ve been here before, and there’s a very good reason these things didn’t catch on the first time.

Hey Comment Spammers! Could You Just Go Die a Horribly Slow and Painful Death Already? Thanks.

Because first of all, you don’t get through. I moderate my comments to keep your pathetic bullshit off of here.

And secondly, has anybody ever bought prescription drugs online from a link in comment spam? Like ever? Because I just don’t see somebody reading my silly bullshit posts then saying, “Hey, now that you mention it I could use some Viagra. Thanks for the handy link, spammer!”

I think I speak for the entire internet when I say you should be choked to death with your own cocks.

You Wanna See Something Really Scary?

Try this.

This is from a site called PostSecret, which has been around for awhile but is still kind of cool. Anyhow, for some reason now he’s branching out onto facebook, which means people get to freely post comments about the postcards, which I think is possibly the worst idea ever (Bush administration ideas notwithstanding).

So some girl sends this card about how she loves the characters on her favorite shows more than her boyfriends, and judging by the characters she pictured on her card, this ain’t no 15-year-old. I mean fucking Chandler? You gotta be what, 35 at least?

But what would you expect the comments on such a thing to be? Maybe people saying, “ummmm…the reason those guys are so perfect is because they’re written that way”? Nope. Hundreds of women lining up to say “OMG me too doctor house is so dreamy and that other guy too.”

Ladies. Seriously. Those aren’t real people. They’re characters. Here in the real world, charming handsome witty rich young doctors with twelve inch cocks are actually quite rare. And the few that do exist? They can get women who are a lot better than you are. You know, beautiful, intelligent women who aren’t obsessed with characters on a fucking TV show.

You know, shit like this makes me so damn glad I’m married, because a shockingly large portion of the female population is just too fucking stupid to be bothered with. While they’re obsessing over the perfect TV boyfriend, I’m sure they’re busy in the real world dating pricks who treat them like shit and fuck their friends.

Now somebody call me sexist. I fucking dare you.

I Feel Guilty About Being a Dick to Telemarketers

Because, you know, I used to be one. I know it’s just some poor kid or ex-con at the other end. But I can’t help it sometimes. Here’s how a conversation mere minutes ago went:

Telephone: Ring ring ring!

Me (picking up telephone): Hello?

Telephone (absolute dead silence): …

Me: …

Telemarketer (after dead silence becomes background noise): …hello?

Me: I hate autodialers. An autodialer immediately lets me know I don’t want to talk to you.

Telemarketer (stunned): Ummm…. I’m calling from VMS, and what we do is help magazine publishers with their circulations….

Me: See what I mean? I was right. I don’t want to talk to you. Thank you!

So I was a dick, and now I feel guilty. But at least I was an interesting dick, not just a screaming swearing dick. And I’m not afraid to own my dickness.

And yes, I know about the National Do-Not-Call list, but I just moved. I’ll consider this call a reminder to do that.